dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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