soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
