I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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