Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
