I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize