I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
