i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
