Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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