i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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