My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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