Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
