Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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