no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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