i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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