I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
