Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
