u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
