Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
