i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
