either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
