God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
