The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
