So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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