woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Come on in and take your pants off
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