dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
