im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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