Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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