how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
