I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
