I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
