Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
