I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
