She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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