Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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