haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
