I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
