I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
