I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
