if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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