How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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