I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
