If that was your dad, he is hot
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
