i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
