He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
