it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
