I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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