hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
