What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
