maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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