ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
