@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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