Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
