Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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