You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
