My hand turned me down
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
