seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize