you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize