I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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