Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
