nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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