we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
